Dealing with anxiety and a strange episode

Let me just start by saying anxiety is a bitch. It’s something I’ve battled with my whole life. I have my own personal reasons and family history for not wanting to use medication to help me with anxiety. It cripples me to the point where people think I’m just some shy weirdo, but up until now I wanted to handle it without the help of medication.

Well last night I had quite an “episode.” The medication I take had some type of weird reaction last night where I started to feel really weird, almost a numbness or high. I’ve never done drugs so I’m not sure what a high is, but in my estimation I was higher than a damn kite last night.

It started around 10 p.m. I thought it was just a temporary few minute thing and was laughing hysterically at the smallest things (again like I was stoned or something).

Well my wife was tired so she went to sleep. I stayed up watching the olympics by myself (yeah I’m addicted to the Olympics). I started to feel more and more stoned. I was watching the men’s gymnastics and started entering my own version of the major tripping balls stage. I was in like a trance watching these dudes hop around and I’m pretty sure I even started to think I could do what they were doing, thankfully I did not try.

I was getting freaked out, but decided to try to sleep. That’s where things got even weirder. I then got the thought stuck in my head that if I went to sleep I wouldn’t wake up and my wife would find me dead in the morning. I don’t know what chemo brain exactly is but for the next hour or so I think I had some form of it.

Everything seemed so bizarre. I was talking slow but felt I was talking fast. I would be mumbling one second, laughing the next, then crying about missing my son moments later. I’m not sure how my wife handled it, but I was for the lack of the better word acting like a complete nutjob.

We decided to go the emergency room. I talked the whole way, probably not making much sense. Thankfully when we got to the hospital I was over the crying and weird babbling about everything from what I had for lunch to missing my little brother stage. I was just feeling stoned while there. Everything was funny to me, but I tried to act as normal as but honest as possible when a nurse or doctor came in.

They weren’t really sure what the cause was. Gave me some Benadryl. Eventually I started to feel a little better and went home.

I went in for my final treatment of my first round today. I told my doctors about my episode and even they are unsure what caused it but think anxiety could have played a role.

Reluctantly I am going to start taking Zoloft for anxiety tonight. I probably need it to get me through these next two rounds.

I don’t know if I’m being a baby, but my whole life I’ve really tried to avoid getting on pills to “cure” my anxiety. Nothing against people who take these medications. I’ve never gone to a doctor or talked to anyone other than my wife about it before. It can get really bad at times. It starts with me simply being shy around people, but begins to build. If I don’t say anything at first and keep being quiet, in my head I begin to feel that if I finally say something now it has to be super important or incredibly funny. But what usually happens is I don’t say a word and I’m eventually either labeled shy or quiet weirdo.

Sometimes I get over it and begin to be myself. It takes some work on my part. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard people say I didn’t know you were so funny or something to that effect. Well yeah because I didn’t say a word because my anxiety rendered me a mute. I was voted most shy in high school because my anxiety would often render me to silence. I knew that wasn’t the real me, but couldn’t do anything to change it.

I still have that problem in certain settings and it’s hard for me to break out of that shy guy mode. It usually takes an effort by someone else. Once I feel comfortable around one person, I tend to start be more outgoing. If nobody comes to my rescue then it’s captain shy.

I’ll see how this pill works. Maybe I’ll start being Mr. Life of the Party everywhere I go with Zoloft. Somehow I doubt it, but I’ll try it. At least while I’m going through chemo. I believe I'll kick cancers ass with or without the Zoloft, but if it helps me avoid another night like last night then I'll be happy.

In other bad news my white blood cell count was down so I have to be extra careful about sanitizing my hands and avoiding sick people. They were up last week so not sure what caused the switch, but not happy about it because I am supposed to go to Chicago for Comic Con this weekend.

Maybe I’m just being stubborn, but I already paid a lot of money to go so I’m going to go. I am going to make sure to keep sanitizing my hands, maybe even wear a mask and avoid contact with people as much as possible.

I know some people don’t want me to go, but damnit cancer can kiss my ass I’m going.

Sorry it’s kind of long post today and maybe rambling, but just wanted to tell the good and the bad. Thanks for reading, especially if you actually made it this far.

Checking in

Sorry haven’t updated my blog in a few days. I’ve had some ups and downs during the last few days. I’ve battled a lot of fatigue, napping often and going to bed early. I’ve had a few fits a nausea too, but nothing since Monday.

I’m starting to feel a little better today and I have been helping my mom watch the kids. It’s nice to get to spend some time with them and they look so much bigger each time I see them.

Ben is up to his usual trouble, while Emma is really starting to get vocal and it’s funny to listen to her babble away.

I got my second bleo shot Tuesday and it went relatively easy. I had the chills for a little bit last night, but not long. I was out by 8 p.m., but I did go walk around the mall for a little while which could have contributed to be me being tired.

I’ve been told by multiple sources that drinking as much as possible is the best thing to do, but find it difficult to find anything I actually want to drink lately. Something about water reminds me of going to chemo and makes me want to throw up so I can’t drink that. I have been trying gatorade and other drinks. I need to start drinking more so hopefully I can find something appealing.

Well that’s all for now, just wanted to check in. Thanks for reading.

Popping my vomit cherry

Just wanted to check in. I had a rough night/morning nausea wise.

I threw up for the first time last night and actually felt better after. I decided to go watch my kickball team play, but we didn’t have enough to play unless I played so I decided to play.

It felt good to get my mind off things and I played alright given the circumstances. I got a few hits and even scored a run. I tried to drink as much as I could since I was sweating, but I don’t think I should have drank so much so fast.

I got home and vomited again, pretty bad. My wife called the doctor and he called in some Zofran for me. I took one and was able to keep some food down.

I woke up with a stomach ache, but felt OK. Dina left to get the kids and for whatever reason I got full of anxiety about going back Tuesday and threw up again. I felt a little better after.

Now I’m just trying to write this and take my mind off things while I wait for my wife to get back with the kids.

I really miss them and got a chance to play with Ben yesterday. He still doesn’t quite get the concept of his power wheel, but we still had fun. He has a birthday party to go to today where the Tigers mascot Paws will be there so it should be fun.

My mom is coming to watch Emma and I might go or stay home depending on how I feel.

Well that’s all for now, but with the start of the Olympics I’ll share a song that’s helped me get through some tough times the past day.

Day 5, first cyle

I try to hide it on the surface, but I can be an emotional guy. Most people take me as either shy or arrogant because I can be standoffish. Shy I can see sometimes, but don't know where arrogant comes from.

I try to hide my emotions and end up sort of shutting down. Well as I sit her finishing the final day of my first long week of chemo, I'm a little emotional, but glad I have broken out of my box and gotten to know the nurses here a little bit. They are really helpful and here to make you feel better. They have made my stay much easier and I'm glad they have taken the time to assist me in any way they can.

It's been a hard week not only for me, but for those close to me. I started off the week with a positive attitude and while I'm not quite the ray of sunshine I was Monday, chemo has not broke me yet.

Don't know if I'm making much sense, but just wanted to write a blog to kill some time.

The mornings the last two days have been difficult because of my nerves. In the past I could feel nauseous for the smallest things. Chemo certainly amplifies that, but the prescriptions have certainly helped.

I have three days off after today, which I'm looking forward to. Especially getting to spend some time with the kids. I've been pretty exhausted at times after treatment, but I hope my energy will get up over the weekend. After all I have a 2-year-old in a mini cooper to chase.

Hope I'm not bouncing around too much with the chemo brain. Thanks for reading.

Day 3, Cycle 1

Sitting here on Day 4 of my first cycle and feeling pretty good. I had some anxiety this morning and when I got here, but have since calmed down. It’s a long week and something about Thursday just had me feeling like it wasn’t going to end.

Day 3 was expected to be a tough one because it was my first full dose of Bleo, but I handled it pretty well. It has been known to cause flu like symptoms, which can be problematic when your immune system is not full strength.

I avoided any flu like symptoms, which was a good thing. All the nurses here have been extremely helpful and made me glad I choose to use this facility.

I had a few visitors yesterday and my wife’s work send me some cookies to the house, which I appreciated. (I love cookies.)

My mom came over our house after she got off work so Dina could go see the kids. But I was feeling a little better so me and my mom went on a top secret mission to Toys R Us and got Ben a brand new mini cooper Power Wheel. We got a pretty good deal too. The battery needed to be charged, but he was still excited.

It was nice to see him even for only a few minutes. I got to see Emma too, who I hear has been a great girl for her Nana.

I don’t know if my kids will ever read this blog one day, but if they do just know Daddy loves you and you were the light at the end of the tunnel for me. I want to grow old so I can see how great you both turn out and be there every step of the way.

Thanks for reading.

Visitor

My first repeat visitor besides Dina. She is No. 1 in our hearts and the power rankings Mary "Insultini" Beth. Fuller, Katrina and Lisa are right behind MB at one visit apiece.

Three wise women

I’m in a writing mood so I figured I would make a bonus post today to thank some of my unsung heros.

First is my wife. She has and will be my side throughout this whole thing. I really couldn’t do it all without her. She makes sure I stay organized. She is nice when I need it and it gives me that extra push when I need it. She does it all not because she wants any admiration or for some future gift. She does it because she loves me. That is the most amazing help you can ever receive so I’m so thankful I have her.

She has said several times she would switch places with me if she could, but I wouldn’t. I think things worked out just fine and will work out in the end.

The other two amazing women in my life I want to thank are my two mothers. My biological mom, who has been there my whole life. She had me at the young age of 18 and always put my needs first. I could never thank her for all she’s done. She continues to do the same and I know it’s hard on her seeing a child go through something like this, but trust me mom I will be OK. I couldn’t imagine seeing one of my children go through this. It’s true you don’t really appreciate how much your parents sacrfifced for you and how much they truly love you until you have kids of  your own. My two babies have helped me realize how hard my mom has worked so that I could have a good life. I appreciate everything you have done and will continue to do for me mom. I love you.

The other amazing woman is my mother-in-law Mirzeta. I like to refer to her as a saint because of he patients and love for my kids and my wife. She has adopted me as her own and I couldn’t ask for a better mother-in-law. She never hesitates to help us out no matter what we need. Even if it’s watching two children under 3 while I undergo treatment. I feel bad when Dina tells me her mom is crying because she is worried about me, but it also shows me how much she cares and how much Aldina’s whole family cares for me.

Anybody that knows the history of me and Dina knows winning over her family is a huge deal for me. I’m glad that I was able to because they are a great group of people.

There are plenty of others I can thank so far during my treatment but wanted to single out these three amazing women.

I love and adore all three of you. I’m one lucky man.